To everyone I know and don't know,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Low-goes

Tentative logos, hopefully soon to be finalized. We went for the whole urban feel (because we're an urban church) and that's a theme we hope to keep across all the logos.

Went for the stencil look for Blue Fish Center (Darlene's awesome idea), and a stamp look for the CDPC Puchong logo. I'll probably redo the grunge later on to make it look more stamp like.

Tracing a Path

My heart races, pumping oxygen to my muscles,
My hearing sharpens, and my eyes focus ahead,
I am alert, artfully balancing the precarious edge between safety and injury,
I know my element well, and am one with the surface beneath me.

My movements are silent and controlled,
Feet lighting upon the rooftop, I flit between shingle and concrete,
I have befriended my body, and it is eager to provide what I require of it,
Even still, my rational mind is appalled at the prospect of what I must do.

It approaches; The leap that I must make,
I have done it a hundred times before yet still I fear.
But with every step that brings me ever closer to the precipice,
I move through the fear, for I must; There can be no hesitation.

I master my thoughts and push forward,
Adjusting my footing instinctively, the ball of my right foot meets the edge,
I see where I will land a good 12 feet away,
And with an explosion of speed, I leap.

My eyes lose focus as my peripheral vision momentarily takes over,
My hearing is obscured by the rush of wind,
My heart beats but a single time,
And for that perfect moment in time...

I fly.

Anniversary Restoration

I restored of my parents' old wedding pictures for my their Silver Anniversary... Enjoy. =)

Yellow

You knew me as a child,
But it doesn't give you the right to treat me as such.

I'd rather much prefer if we dealt with things like matured, upfront adults.

I cannot have you

I hate you,
Oh for what you are.

That for you, I crave,
And are that which I desire.

That for your warm embrace,
I lust.

And even though so very wrong,
Like smoke, control eludes my grasp.

Innocence is fragile,
And before you, I shatter.

The New House

This was ages ago before we moved in while the house was still a bare bone and absolutely empty. =)

Continuation

So, my life after NS...

It was all too easy to adjust back and slip into old habits. It made me question how far the governments good intentions are going to carry when there's no follow up program and no personal incentive to live with the "values" that they forcibly imparted.

When the government picked me for national service I bet they didn't pause to think twice about the social ramifications it would have on my life. Well okay, they didn't. A computer randomly selected us trainees. Sure it may cause a hiccup in my life, but what off teens from financially tight families who are working two jobs to support their siblings? That's going to cause more than a hiccup. Machines are cold and impersonal and know nothing about how it'll affect someone's life by changing the binary code assigned to their name from a zero to a one.

Three months is not much in the overall scope of one's life, but it's sure enough to fall out from most of one's social circles. I feel even more isolated from people than before, as if my brief absence aided my deviant personality in further alienating people from me. Any depth I had fought to obtain, gone with the erosion of time. Though people say I'm sociable, I find it hard to relate to others. I'm perceptive and that makes it easy for others to relate to me, but the same is not always true the other way around.

I feel like a blood O- donor; able to give to everyone but only able to receive from the exact same type.

I feel as if I'm closed off inside a bubble outside of which is vacuum, screaming as tension pulls me apart but unheard in the endless void of space.

I feel like eating dinner now.

Overdue Update

It's been forever since I've touched this blog. My hesitance to return here is namely because I fell out of the habit and knew that once I started, it would again consume large chunks of my time. And yet here I am. Sigh.

The first thing I should write about is, of course, National Service. 3 disgustingly long months of my life spent as far east of east Malaysia as you can get while still being in Malaysia; Tawau. I would best describe it as a combination between incredibly packed schedules, not enough sleeping hours, and mixed rice for every lunch and dinner. Add nonsensical rules, crap quality uniforms and bad living conditions, and you'll have a pretty good overview of what my camp was like.

It may just be me, but I think that NS is based on a poorly planned system that wasn't thought through well enough before it was implicated. If I hadn't been selected as company commander I can safely say that I wouldn't have taken ANYTHING away from those three months at all. For pete's sake, they treat us like kids.

Allow me to illustrate my point. For starters, we are asked to decorate our dorm rooms. They give us paper and crayons and ask us to be creative. They even show us examples from the previous batches, and lookie here, they've copied their wall decor straight from my mother's child development center, where the kids range from 3 to 6 years old.

Maybe that's acceptable. After all, we spend all our free time in the dorms and they may as well look cheerful (albeit childish). But allow me to tell you about the character building and patriotic classes. In order to "make sure we're focused and enthusiastic" for a lesson, they make us to sing a silly song while doing a dance that accompanies it before the class starts.

There was one time they actually forced everyone to do the chicken dance, enthusiastically. They spread us out in a neat grid so they had a clear view of everyone and told us that if even one of us didn't do it with all our heart, we'd all have to do it again. I don't want to state how many times we had to restart. Their reason for it (and of course they have one) was that we needed to learn how to let our hair down at times and not care about what other people think about us. A good lesson for some to learn but they clearly forgot that a portion of society actually hold dignity in their souls.

And there they were at other times, complaining and scolding us for being childish, telling us that we needed to grow up and be responsible people.

In one of the early speeches a woman proudly told us that Malaysia was the only country that conducted their national service non-military style (obviously not counting the marching, the incomplete and largely disappointing M16A1 training in which they didn't even teach gun safety, the army style discipline they implemented). I would describe it as a pseudo-military summer boot camp but a friend of mine describes it far more eloquently.

"The only reason they don't conduct it military style, is because they conduct it kindergarten style" -Darlene

Now I would gladly rant on about the million other things I didn't like about it but I really should conclude. NS might do some good to an immature and unfit teenager who's exposure to the world can be quantified as abysmally little, but not much for someone like me. Their actual reason for the whole thing is to promote harmony between the different races. For some reason they've got it into their heads that spending in excess of 500 million (8k per person)each year on a bunch of 18 year olds with their own worldviews to promote racial harmony works better than starting some program in primary school which would be cheaper and probably more effective.

And my life after NS? Wait for the next update. =)

Dating Insanity

Between slowly descending into the depths of insanity, and being aware of that decent, lies a debate as to which is scarier. The very act of debating however, is an act of rationality and thus must be carried out within the shrinking, fragile bubble of sanity that is left. It is an unpredictable race with an outcome that ultimately does not matter, for succeeding in finding an answer or failing which, there is still naught to do but descend further. If the irresistible allure of insanity is fought with tenacity and adamance, it just might be combated and forced to retreat. It may shrivel to the size of but a minuscule seed, a tiny harmless threat, but it will never truly fade away. It will always lurk in the dark recesses, waiting for water, light, and a chace to grow again; a chance to seize complete and utter control.


Relax,
Relapse,
Sink further than before,
And then some.


This raises some questions, like whether you can be insane and aware of it, since insanity is basically living in a altered reality which doesn't have to be based on anything objective. Which then queries the sanity of everyone. There's the makings of a movie here, where everyone is insane and there's only one sane person in the whole world, which causes everyone else to think HE'S the one who's insane.

And what if you WANTED to go insane?

The loss of a close one, the loss of security, the loss of everything that was expected to last. A dozen different reasons which could cause one to want insanity, figuring that it's actually easier to get by when you're not rational.


A plea for insanity,
A feeble crippled cry,
A longing for the numbness,
But a denial from his presence.

A desperate crawl in his direction,
As he dances gleefully in circles,
About and around your haunted mind,
Taunting you before he skips away.

he brushes your shoulder upon the street,
Then slips away into the crowd,
He beckons at you from afar,
Tantalising you with a cruel charm.

You set your eyes upon him,
And he held your heart in his hands,
But much akin to a fragile flute,
He played you.

The Jump

The Journal of Trainee ECHO-119

Excerpt 4

The Jump

A familiar wave of panic,

Rising much alike the sun,

Both inevitable, constant,

And sure to reach a peak.

Passing its peak it then sets,

With all the grace of a receding flood;

Sneaking away and gone before we’re fully aware,

But nevertheless leaving a trail of destruction.

Dawn to dusk in but a moment,

The sun is quickly forced to give way to the moon.

Her radiance seeps into everything,

As she takes her place as rightful ruler of the night.

Her light imbues all with a calm,

And the harshness of the sun,

Now nothing but a scant memory,

Will be forgotten and replaced with serendipity.

Nothing can escape her,

As she soars above in all her splendor.

Stretching the very fabric of time,

She expands her beauty to a subjective eternity.

Wind brushing against my face,

Everything is then extinguished in an instant,

As gravity finally reasserts itself,

And my feet once again meet the ground.

To be blogged about when I return.

Docendo discimus

Excerpt 3

I slipped on my own shoes,

The familiar sensation of the soles

Treaded and jumped upon thousands of times,

Returning and comforting me.

The memory of every step,

Every jump,

Every landing,

Rushing down upon me.

And like a wave of instincts,

With all conscious streams of thought,

Slowly but surely blacking out,

I run.

We’re divided into three companies – Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie. I’m in Company Charlie. More specifically, I’m leader of Company Charlie. Me, an awkward Chinese boy, who knows scant Malay, in a position of leadership I’m not sure I can fulfill. I hope I’ll be able to motivate and inspire my company the way a leader should. And I hope that I’ll be able to learn by teaching at the same time.

Docendo discimus.