Out Of Order

Haven't updated in ages. I know. Well I've been busy as heck an been having a blast so there's my excuse. =) I'm in Montana right now but am kinda a little too tired to write much.

Anyways I'll update in around a weeks time from now so pop back around then.

Self Worth

Where do we derive our self worth from?

For some, it comes from being able to do things that others can't. For others, it comes from being better than others. The list goes on. Having done things that others haven't. Being accepted. Being appraised. Having things that others don't (monetary, knowledge, physical appearance).

I'm pretty sure that I missed some, but in the end it's always about the illusion of being more than the other person, being superior in some way. You get the point.

And so what happens when someone else saunters in, with more than you? And might I add, in ka-frickin abundance.

Well we all react differently.

Some choose to point out the flaws of others so as to cover up their own. Some strive endlessly to better themselves for the sole purpose of being once again, on the top. Some throw themselves recklessly into a world of experiences they aren't ready for. Some make a big fuss of themselves merely to get attention. Some put on an act to be approved by certain crowds. Some buy things needlessly to show off, or to fit in. Some hurt others on the way, and being far to self absorbed to notice, won't bat an eyelid.

It doesn't matter how you react. The very threatening of your self worth is often enough to make anyone do anything, just to be able to feel themselves once again, secured. So here's something to keep in mind. The next time your self worth is at stake, make sure you don't hurt the one's you love. Security and self worth can always be regained, reassigned, remade.

Some friendships can't.




(This section is for Ty because he asked)

My self worth is mostly derived from my use to others. I echo with the philosophy of Georges Hébert's Method Natural; "Be strong to be useful". Thinking seriously, what use am I if I can only serve myself? I'd prolly live a pretty nice life, grow old, and die, and the world would not even notice. But if I can be of use to others, then I'll make a change, leave a mark on the earth, and be of benefit to someone other than myself. Valuable items that are locked in a secret chest are worth nothing to no one if forgotten.

Quite literally, if I am of no use to others, then I am worth none. That is why I seek to progress myself; For others. I won't lie and pretend that I'm really that altruistic, though I aspire to be. Point is, I want to be better so that I can help others.

That's why I teach. Why I give counsel. Why I take the effort to share what I've suffered so hard to learn. Why I make you laugh when I know you need it. Why I shut up about your lies even when they're obvious. Why I take the brunt of things even though I really don't need to.

It's all because I can.

It's because I'm worth nothing if I don't share myself.

Or maybe it's because I might secretly want part of myself to live on in the world after I die, though I think I'll stick with the former until I can decide for myself... =)




Anyways, I hope that I managed to make you question what your self worth and security is based upon.

I've done some of my thinking.

Now it's your turn... ;D

Off for the weekend

Here comes the RipTreat, signaling the end of my relatively peaceful sleep cycle.

Anyways... I often look at the chances of something happening, out of all other possibilities, and wonder how things work. Could it be that every event is merely the conglomeration of all our intentions, decisions, and actions? Could it be that any single action will cause a ripple that will spread from one being to another, on and on? Could it be, that by my eating a burger on this particular spot in space and time, I will cause a man to fall in love and live a fulfilled life?

If so, then this burger is more than it seems, and incredibly worth to eat.

If not, then I'll decide to enjoy this burger anyways.

I

I think that I'm uncool because I can't speak like a Malaysian.

I sometimes try (and fail) to put on a Malaysian accent.

I secretly suspect that people think I'm trying to "act cool" just because I speak different.

I'm sick of people asking where I studied overseas, or where I'm from.

I'm tired of dealing with intransigent people.

I'm amused when people wonder how I open number locks so easily.

I think that the things that matter to my friends don't matter as much to me.

I wonder how I grew up so differently from the rest.

I wonder why I have so many lucid dreams.

I wonder why I'm always flying in my non-lucid dreams.

I feel inadequate for what's to come.

And bloody hell, neither do I

I hate who I am; what I am. That I have to pretend, and brush things off as being trivial though they matter to me intensely. I'm sick of being stuck within the superficial. I'm jealous of those who can afford to be themselves, because what they are by nature is normal and within acceptable bounds.

I've never been one to conform to social norms, but even as I stand outside of them, I feel so very, very, alone.

If you experienced even a fraction of my struggle, you wouldn't be so quick to judge.

And it's not my fault that I can look at people and know them for what they truly are. I've spent so long pretending that now I'm practically a master at the art. Your petty feints don't fool me. Your badly placed diversions don't misguide me.

But what I hate the most, is that you can afford not to pretend, and yet you do. You cover up such inane things, so afraid of having people find them out. We are both guilty of pretending. Where we differ, however, is that I am not in a position to choose whether or not I pretend. It was chosen for me from birth.

We differ in that you are a white canvas, with thinly applied blotches of black where you try and paint them, clumsily trying to cover up what you do not want seen. Easy enough to see through if you are a painter. And I am but a black canvas, with neat streaks of white precisely where I wish them. It is given that within the depths of the black is a roiling turmoil, but you know about me, only what I reveal to you and let you know.

So do not pretend to know me. You don't.

You. Don't. Know. Me.

Scripting My Life

Int. Consular Section. Morning

A constant low chatter is heard as people shuffle about the room. Numbers are occasionally called out in the background, along with a slight rustle as a person responds to the number. Putting several papers back into a clear folder, Samuel Wong, aged 18, smiles pleasantly towards a glass pane. On the other side of the glass, a middle aged American diplomat (female) finishes typing several sentences and gazes back up.

Diplomat

(pleasant)

Congratulations sir, you passed your
interview. Your visa has been approved.

Samuel smiles.

Samuel
(unfazed)

Thanks much.

Several seconds later he realizes by the look on her face that she expects him to collapse in relief. Smiling knowingly, he continues on with his naturally cool demeanor, finishing off his business with her and thanking her once more.

Fin.

I really should be more excited about this. Okay, lemme make an effort here.

OH MY GOSH I'M GOING TO MONTANA BABY!!! MONTANA! AND I'MA GET TO SEE MA SISTER IN MICHIGAN!!! WHOAAA@GWOA!UHW#%$EFLI#@&%GA

Lemme guess... I overdid it with the all-caps?


Well long story short, I got my visa approved and will be heading to the states for a couple. I'll be spending the better part of my stay in Montana, after which I'll be visiting my sister, and hopefully chilling at the rock climbing gym at her college. Now how awesome is that? =)


Now if only I could go back in time and post this yesterday. How creepy would that be....

I Wait

A promise made is only a promise,
Within it a hope of pulling through,
With the potential to require sacrifice,
And to demand some loss in order to gain.

Know that the promise I made,
I shall not forget,
And that soon the day will come,
Where I will fulfill my promise to you.